Depression

Look, I think everyone need to know this by now, depression IS NOT beautiful or poetic. It’s not always constant crying, extreme sadness, self-harm (although it can be all of that too at the same time), but not always!

Some people think that depressed people got their own quirks. They think of it as something ugly yet beautiful at the same time. They make stories, movies, novels, songs about it. All of them are in this conquest of saving their depressed loved ones, of healing them, being the hero in their miserable life. The more fragile they are, the more they’re interested in fixing them.

Ok, let’s give them a chance. Let them in, cry on their shoulder and give them the satisfaction of a̶w̶k̶w̶a̶r̶d̶l̶y̶ ̶r̶u̶b̶b̶i̶n̶g̶ ̶y̶o̶u̶r̶ s̶h̶o̶u̶l̶d̶e̶r̶ ̶a̶n̶d̶ ̶t̶e̶l̶l̶ ̶y̶o̶u̶ e̶v̶e̶r̶y̶t̶h̶i̶n̶g̶ i̶s̶ ̶g̶o̶i̶n̶g̶ ̶t̶o̶ ̶b̶e̶ ̶o̶k̶ ̶a̶l̶t̶h̶o̶u̶g̶h̶i̶t̶’̶s̶ ̶n̶o̶t̶ calming you down. First of all, that kind of attitude would probably only last a week. Second of all, let’s see if they can deal and would still stay if all we do is sleep all day, not eating (or eating too much), watch movies all day, constantly on our laptop or phone for the stupidest reason, would rather stay in than go out and party with their friends. Some people resort to alcohol or drugs for their escape, DO NOT mean they’re doing them out of fun. Do not encourage them to go out and drink or do drugs with you, especially when you know something is up with them, something traumatic just happened, and it seems like they needed distractions. Just because it seems like they’re having a good time does not mean it’s good for them (anyway don’t do drugs, stay away from them).

To be fucking honest, I would prefer someone who would just be here (I’ll tell about this person in my next post). Trust me, I have been there, probably still am. But I am getting better, at least now the thought of dying is not as tempting as it used to be. At least now I can still laugh and function like a normal human being. And it has been days since the last time I cried. I know how talking would sometimes makes it worse. When you tell the wrong people and you see that gimplse of judgement in their eyes or their body language suggest that they don’t care about your problem at all, it would make you feel 1000000x lonelier. That was when I stopped talking, my parents were concern because they thought I did drugs (i did but not that it was my escape route), I did it out of hatred of myself. I wanted to destroy me, I smoked more, my ED was getting worse, alcohol, did not get enough sleep because of all the coffee. No one would understand, I thought. I read every articles about heartbreak and depression, watched every videos about getting over our first heart break, listened to empowering songs (BEYONCÈ YES), nothing worked, except maybe Beyonce’s music video of ‘Sorry’, but other than that I still felt like crap. All of that even started to give me panic attacks and extreme anxiety. I went to doctors to see what was wrong with me, not a thing. I meditated, did yoga, stopped smoking/coffee/alcohol intakes, nope. Then it clicked, I needed to stop trying so hard because the more I try the more I focus on that particular feeling.

Self-love everyone, that’s the secret. Not just telling yourself that you love you but treat yourself the way you would treat someone you truly love and care about. For example, I wouldn’t force my mom to starve herself, I wouldn’t let my brother waste his time on the computer when he can come and take a walk with me, I wouldn’t want my father to be drunk every single night, I wouldn’t want my cats to smoke. Of course all of that and a will power to move on and just continue with life. That’s what I did, I forced myself (because no one, no matter how heroic they think they are can force me into making that decision) to function again. Pushed myself out of my comfort zone, did the things I used to love but seemed impossible after my heartbreak and depression, start with the simplest things. Like going for a walk, taking a shower, stay hydrated, and have enough sleep.  Although I know it would still ache, but that’s your heart healing. And I know because it heals it means it’s going to leave a scar and a scar will always remind you of that heartbreak. But that same scar can also be a reminder that you healed. That no matter how bad the wound is, you were strong enough to heal and moved on. Let that same scar make you feel invincible.

goodbye.

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